trying to be still

fall conference 2011

2011-11-03T13:31:00.000-04:00

I am a person of desires
a nice home
not being alone
flings, bling, things
successes
no messes
or stresses
no less than the best
but I know some of these desires
cannot be acquired
by just me
and my coping strategies
so when I see this teacher, leader
Son of David, Jesus person –
Part of me
wants to scream,
“have mercy on me
I cannot see
even two feet
in front of me!”
I can’t seem
to keep
my mouth shut
but another side
wants to hide
behind
the lies
that I need stuff
so I feel loved.
I don’t want to give it up
I can’t decide whether I should cower
or cry out louder to Jesus
but I’d rather scream that I’m lame
than hide in my pain
in shame
away
from following your way
but when I walk away
because I can’t have it both ways,
I tend to blame everyone but me
deny your truth and validity
substitute
with substance abuse
fuse into a fantasy
but I’m never free
I can’t avoid
the noise
I’m left void
when I don’t allow
the power
of the Holy Spirit
to shower me
with perfect satisfaction
Jesus says, “bring it on.
bring it in.
I can handle it.
your ugly desires
the ways that you’re wired
to be liars and conspire and set fires
so you can get what you want.
but I want you
I desire you
all of you
every part of you
I want it in our relationship
so leave everything
and follow me.”
and he can complete me
more than what I thought I needed
because our God is greater
The maker
of heaven and earth
is more strong
than my bastion of longing
for the wrong things
for belonging
and that ONE THING
I can’t seem to surrender
But our God
is higher
than our desires
of significance and sight
of wanting to get it right
of walking in the light
our God can heal
because he is real
so I won’t walk away
head hanging in shame
anymore
I’ll fall on the floor
asking for more
I’ll give away my desires and goals
so God can use my body and soul
so I can be made whole
I’ll surrender the one thing
to follow the Almighty King
I’ll continue to sing
praise all the days
to the creator
who made me
who saved me
who gave me
desires to love
more than just stuff
more than just fluff
he’s given more than enough
it’s been revealed to you
your faith has healed you
made you new
so go
and follow
our God.

i want to celebrate the risen lord all year long.

2011-04-25T17:18:00.002-04:00

There are few people in this world
who understand true sacrifice
what it means to give your life
to pay someone else's price
but the Word was made flesh
to bring peace to earth's mess
to teach against selfishness
thinking independence is best
but Jesus came to bless
from the heavens above
he loved me in living
giving his life on earth
to those we said had no worth
he put them first
healing those who were hurt
teaching the hope of rebirth
in his spirit
speaking loudly so everyone could hear it
he told us, "love your neighbor and your enemy
give up possessions so you can be free
plant and water the seeds
meet the sinner's needs
free the prisoners
reassure the insecure."
he lived a life without sin
undeserving
of what was coming
he saved me in dying
hanging his head and sighing
not even trying
to defy
the lies
of why
he was crucified
it is my sin on that cross
my ransom at his cost
it should be my life that is lost
but he let the father's will be done
knowing the battle would soon be won
and after three days
he rose with glorious praise
and said do not be afraid
we are justified in his resurrection
he's made the connection
between earth and heaven
given us protection
against any rejection
with his divine perfection
he's the first and the last
more than all we could ask
we're freed from sin's grasp
his death is in the past
he is ALIVE
and therefore we have life
eternal
the key to heaven and the inferno
he is risen today
we do not need to be afraid
of the grave
Jesus paved
the way
with his grace
sin has no place
our ransom is paid
our Savior is raised
oh, glorious day!

(rev 1:17-18 and "glorious day" by casting crowns provided inspiration. and the holy spirit.)

exodus 6

2011-03-26T01:13:00.002-04:00

I am the LORD, and I will bring you out from under the yoke of the Egyptians. I will free you from being slaves to them, and I will redeem you with an outstretched arm and with mighty acts of judgment I will take you as my own people, and I will be your God. Then you will know that I am the LORD your God, who brought you out from under the yoke of the Egyptians. And I will bring you to the land I swore with uplifted hand to give to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob. I will give it to you as a possession. I am the LORD.

seriously. way to be who you say you are. way to do what you say you will do.

revive us again, LORD

2011-02-02T23:55:00.003-05:00

from "a hole in the gospel" by richard stearns, president of world vision:

"I can imagine my own life without many of the so-called necessities that I have. You can take away my car and I would find a way to compensate by using public transportation or carpooling with a friend. You could take away my computer and my Internet access, my television, stereo, and radio, and I could still have a full and prosperous life. You could reduce the size of my house and my income by half, and even take away my education and I could survive and perhaps even thrive.

But if you take away water and sanitation, you take away my health and that of my children. If you take away my health, you have taken away my energy and my industry. If you take away my energy and ability to support my family, you have taken away my dignity; and if you take away my dignity, you have taken away hope - for the future, for my children, for a better life."

let the church rise from the ashes
let the church fall to her knees
let us be light in the darkness
let the church rise

staff conference 11 - campuses renewed

2011-01-12T13:21:00.002-05:00

the world was made
by a perfect creator
you said, it was, it was good
creation was as it should
and you made us alive
with the breath of your life
from dust we arise
to be fruitful and multiply
and you began human education
with your divine ways of creation
there’s biology in our anatomy
agronomy in the food we grow
philosophy in the depth of our souls
ethics in saying yes or no
there’s chemistry in our cells
poetry in the words we tell
and then we failed in the way we fell
we fell from thirsting for knowledge
hurting for acknowledgment
needing information
instant gratification
we were too impatient
to discover creation
for ourselves
so now we need
to seek
a renewed environment
we’re called to build and plant
even when it seems we can’t
you draw us by our hands
to uncover your plan
on campus.
so let us rise from the ashes
let the university turn from the masses
who say loving God is not a real passion
let’s rise out of the lies
that demolished our cries
for renewing lost lives
let’s rise to defend
against university trends
that try to pretend
God can’t be a friend
we need to become scholars
followers
regents relentless
engage in our field
feel the pain of the campus
our hearts should break
in the same ways
campus is broken
the gospel goes unspoken
academia is choking
on purposes rooted in poking
holes in our hope and
faith in the ancient of days
so when we sing songs of praise
move with compassionate grace
when you let your wind blow
push us to go
we see the campus renewed
because of the ways you made us new
our response is to DO
build a home on academic row
who would have known
cities could grow
in this place of exile
so we’ll settle a while
have a child
plant roots
to grow fruit
eat the produce
seek shalom and prosperity
but our Calcutta is not a city
it’s a university
where prejudice runs deep
pluralism is steep
and we meet them
with Jesus
your purpose
for the universe
is the same for the university
so let us fall to our knees
worshipping the one who can be
the answer for all of these needs
to see
Jesus as King
where intellect meets Biblical text
book smarts and the arts combine to start
a ministry of different parts
who all worship with one beating heart
let us be light in the darkness
in the academic buildings
filling the spaces
where grace is erased
and faith is a waste
let our light reveal
the God who can heal
broken structures
patterns ground in
being bound in
false image-bearers
but the light of God’s image
can transform
this norm
unjust judges
will judge with love
when they witness powers above
their own
we’ll seek a wave of the spirit
so everyone hears it
the message is clear
it’s to fear
the Lord
and when the spirit fills us
when we trust
in this picture of revival
to bring alive all
of the rivals
who piled
on the opposition
We will renew
make new
seek truth
we won’t lose
because our weapons are divine
and when we win this war
they do not lose, they too score
for campus prosperity
is our prosperity.
campuses renewed
make us new too
god loves the WHOLE world
not just you and me
individually
but also the university

AND AUDIO! http://www.box.net/shared/l6v6t0x400

thanksliving/colossians 3

2010-11-23T23:14:00.001-05:00

I like to think I have the best of intentions
Pray before I eat
When I’m in need
When I’m seeking forgiveness
When I’m want to say,
“I’m sorry, thank you, good job”
But my good intentions fail me sometimes
I get stuck in the grind
Can’t form my own lines
I need to be reminded
That just saying “thank you”
Doesn’t do
Much more than express
My acknowledgment of the ways I’m blessed.
I need to give infinite praise
For the ways
You give me grace
Come in to my space
Erase
My sin
Make me new again and again
But it’s not possible
For just a “thank you”
To measure up to
All you do
So I need to do more than give thanks
I need to LIVE thanks
My thankfulness becomes action
Living a life of compassion
Forgiveness for misunderstood interactions
Passion for the word
Teaching and partnering to learn
Acting in kindness and patience
Taking care of creation
Bearing humility
Letting go of what I hoard in greed
But to create perfect unity
In who I am called to be
I need
To bind myself in love
My life is an active testimony
For the ways God has shown me
How I’m a part of this bigger story
I don’t act to receive praise
But because of his grace
I will show my faith
And give it away
My gratitude becomes an active attitude
Because of the multitude
That you’ve renewed
So I can thank you
In all that I say and do

retreat in a picture and some words that rhyme...

2010-10-24T23:09:00.002-04:00

My econ professor told me once
There is no such thing as a free lunch
Everything has a cost, a price
A sacrifice
Lose your life
Well, that sounds nice
But I’m inclined to lust
Taking other people’s stuff
Until I am stuffed
And have more than enough
Leaving everyone else in the dust
That’s not love
Love gives freely
To the needy
Exceeding
Til we’re freed
But I can’t be
Big enough to break the cycle of need
Wake the dead from their sleep
Give and give until I’m empty
That’s just not me
I don’t have it within me
Just me
But through grace is the power to change
Rearrange
Let go blame
To the name above all names
Who has the power to redeem,
The ability to free,
The gospel-bearing feet
And to walk the word
To feel the burden of sin
He had to come in
To the world
So the incarnation
Was Christ’s covert operation
For more than a brief visitation
But a habitation
To walk among the nations
And bless all of creation
Through healing and conversations
For the sake of reconciliation
When he came
He remained
Among the lame
To create a space
For holy flames
To ignite the lights
That were dimmed out of fright
Of losing the fight
And dying without sight
But He speaks truth to the blind
Hangs around the wrong kind
Lives as a sign
He shows us how to love
How to give above and beyond our means
Not expecting to receive
In return
He allows us to experience the truth
To spread its fruits
The roots of our faith
Are in the ways
We feel grace
This world needs to be saved
From the ways we maim creation
And forget our creator
Think we don’t need a savior
It’s human nature
To be self-sufficient
Self-righteous
Self-ish
But Jesus
Tears down our pride
Reveals where we hide
Gives truth to the lies
That we let define our lives
He calls out our pain
To call us to change
So we can gain
Access to the kingdom where he reigns
When we encounter his face
We CANNOT stay the same
When we are shown the way
We trust enough to reveal faith
To obey
When he says let go
When he says no
When he says GO
I’m compelled
To tell
The world of the hell
He’s brought me out of
Because of the character
Of God’s love
That raises me above
The earth
Leaving behind
My body to die
So I’m free to rise
To true life
With Christ
In Christ
I’m proclaiming, “I’M ALIVE!”
I can now see with compassionate eyes
I’m given a second try
To be reconciled
So it’s true that nothing is free
But our freedom has one price:
One life.
It’s already been paid
He’s just waiting
For us to get up and change

OSU Price of Life

2010-07-13T16:24:00.002-04:00

OSU Price of Life Invitational from InterVarsity-twentyonehundred on Vimeo.

Amazing.

my car curse goes on.

2010-07-03T15:11:00.003-04:00

I got sandwiched today between a truck and an SUV on my way to Bethany Beach for a 5-day vacation. Bummer.

mark 5:1-20

2010-06-02T12:34:00.001-04:00

Who am I?
Is my identity wrapped in my history?
A list of the things I’ve seen?
Of what I’ve done wrong
Who I’ve stepped on
To be the champion?
All of the places I’ve been,
People I’ve offended,
Relationships not mended,
Mistakes with no ending?
I’m bending backwards to break
These chains that speak my fate
Of living among the tombs
Alone in my wounds
Stoning my bruises
I’m doomed to this reputation
Of living in this demonic state of
Debating my worth.
I’ve succumbed to know that I don’t deserve
Anything that I’m offered
I’m meant for solitude.
But then I see him from a distance
Run and bow before his presence
Cry out for a deliverance
From this seemingly hopeless existence
Imprisoned by an army of demons
And through your permission
You released them!
I’m free from that burden!
The unclean spirits are in the sea
Dead in pigs sacrificed for me.
At the expense of an entire community
Now they’ll never accept me
They will tell everyone lies about me
How they don’t recognize me
How they’re afraid of my normalcy
They only know me
As the one who’s unclean
But Jesus sees me
As one who is worthy
Of the downfall of their economy
I’m deserving of his mercy
My hurting is cared for
By the Lord of the whole earth
The God of the Universe
Knows me by my name
Despite my sin and wandering heart
When I know everything is falling apart
You always call me back from afar
I am worth your voice through the rain
I am worth the healing you give to my pain
My stains are rinsed clean
Your love overflows onto me
I can’t believe the ways you’ve sacrificed for my needs
Not because of who I am
The ways I mess up your perfect plan
The times I fail to stretch out my hand
The situations where I say that “I can’t”
When I fear that I won’t succeed
Fear that you won’t fill my needs
Afraid that you won’t care about my disease
Not because of who I am
But because of who you say I am
And you call me yours
You’ve calmed my internal storms
I have nothing to fear with your comfort
You’ve told me that I’m worth more
Than I settle for
I am more than my imperfections
More than my failures and failed lessons
You say I am greater than my low days
And my self destructive phases
Bigger than my shackles and chains
That kept me from experiencing your powerful ways
I am more than I thought I deserved
And it is because I am Yours.

momma love

2010-05-04T18:22:00.005-04:00

I feel like it is a significant moment for parents to realize that their children are adults.

That happened for my mom this weekend.

She came down to visit me for four days (Thursday night-Sunday afternoon) because I wanted her to get a taste of what life in Baltimore is like for me.

Thursday, she came to IV LIVE at UMBC. I spoke on "recklessly loving God and people of every background" (the last part of our vision statement for the year). Afterwards, when I asked her what she thought, she said it was very different than what she imagined. "I just thought it would be like, 4 or 5 people sitting around with a Bible."

Friday, I had to go to work, so she did my laundry, emptied the dishwasher, and went to the mall. She picked me up at work, where she got to meet all the people at the bank. My manager proceeded to tell her that I'm the "best we've got." (Damn right!)

Then, we went to IV Ladies Night, where we watched "Up In The Air" and talked about it afterwards. My mom was surprisingly open about sharing her life story with the group, and I think it was awesome for the other girls to hear from someone who had been through the gamut of relationship experiences. She was very open about what relationships become as you grow, and I was just so proud of her for speaking up. Not that I don't think she would have (my mom is not the type to keep her feelings to herself), but it was awesome to have her so openly participate. My mom commented as we left that it was the most "bizarre evening" of her entire life. "Never in my life have I ever sat down with people to just talk about relationships like that. I mean, I would talk to people when I had a problem, but never just to just talk about it."

Then on Saturday, we went to breakfast at Perfecto with Kate and Kaitlin. Then, we went to the mall. My mom and I frequently bond over shopping, even though I most of the time hate it. I got a lot of early birthday presents, then she put some gas in my car and we ran it through the car wash. We came home to take a nap before heading downtown to get dinner and walk around the Harbor.

Sunday, we went to church at New Song, which was also their 22nd anniversary/fellowship meal Sunday. It was even more vibrant and loud and cheerful and happy and gospel-y than normal. Mom thought the guest pastor was going to have a heart attack. She also mentioned that she can't clap/sway to the rhythm (much like "white men can't jump").

But the awesome news is that my mom sees that:
1. I love what I'm doing
2. I'm good at what I do
3. I have good friends
4. I have a good church community
5. I'm really happy
6. I'm an adult

As I was driving her to her car, she said (with some tears in her eyes), "I look at your life here and I see you as a grown-up. When you come home, you're still my little girl. But here, you're an adult."

This visit was exactly what I had hoped and prayed for for so long. I think my mom now understands that my job with IVCF is a REAL job and that it's work! And that it's legitimate. She can now picture me at IV LIVE or with students or at church. She knows what my life is like. And by knowing, she has come to understand it and accept it. There's still a lot of room for growth. But I'll certainly take this.

luke 15:11-27

2010-05-02T23:46:00.002-04:00

When I think about my identity,
I see my life as a slave to money.
But what I earn, I deserve.
My worth is mine to burn.
I work for the right to splurge.
But, the problem with the money game
is that my estate can go up in flames
when it's squandered on temporary things
and wild living.
But keeping up with the Joneses is just so tempting
until I wind up empty
with no fortune or family.
I'm hungry for anything
to bring me to my senses.
So I head home in shame
to work my way up again,
to slowly earn back my good name,
to beg mercy and take the blame,
but even from a distance
my father gives me forgiveness.
He sees my deepest wishes
and without judgement, he embraces me,
looks in my face and sees
a child created to be redeemed.
By grace, I'm restored
to the loved child I was before.
Though I recklessly lived,
my father recklessly gives his love.
This is a welcome I don't deserve
when I have no self-worth.
I've sinned far more than anyone should,
and yet, my father has saved me,
raised me from my death,
given me the best,
filled my lungs with fresh breath,
healed my brokenness,
gathered up all my mess
with blessings.
I was a slave to sin.
I let wicked in.
Had all the toys, but couldn't win.
Draped in fame, but trapped among things,
but you picked me up.
I'm no longer stuck
in the midst of the junk.
You plucked me out of the sinking ground,
and turned me around.
The lost has been found!
I'm now surrounded
by eternal love that won't rust,
fortune that won't turn to dust,
possessions more than just stuff
because the Almighty loves me,
my stocks are held in glory,
my assets are the heavenly.
When I think about where I used to be,
I want to shout, "GLORY GLORY GLORY!
Hallelujah!
Lord, You are worthy
of all that I can be,
all that You've made me.
I just want to praise thee.
You found me
in the pits of my greed.
You made me alive
when I could have just died
in my pulseless pride."
When I think about where I am today,
a slave of God and His righteous ways,
His reckless love for my reckless ways,
Let us begin to celebrate.

there are interesting people at work, too.

2010-04-19T20:13:00.002-04:00

48 year old man: So, how long have you worked here?
Me: About nine months, I think.
48 year old man: Oh that's nice. Could I ask you to lunch sometime?

Guy: (walks up to counter) Hey so can I have your name and number? (smiles and winks)
Me: Umm, no I don't think so, sorry.
Guy: Okay, well I need two fives and ten ones. (hands me a twenty)
Me: Sure thing.
Guy: What was that? Did you say I could come back and ask again later?
Me: Here's your change. Have a nice day.

i meet the most interesting people at bus stops

2010-04-16T22:51:00.003-04:00

Guy: Has the 40 bus come yet?
Me: There have been a few to pass by, I think one went by a few minutes ago.
Guy: Okay. (pause) So just so you know, you are a very beautiful woman.
Me: Thanks.
Guy: Seriously. And man, it gets even better when you smile.
Me: Thanks.
Guy: For real. Like, if I had my phone, I would want to take a picture of you. I mean, of course, I would ask you first, but man, if I had my phone, man. You know, you could be like, a model. You know on tv, like those runway shows? Man, everything on tv is reality these days. Nothing is real.
Me: Yeah. (nodding) Crazy.
Guy: But yeah, you could totally be a model. You should look into that.
Me: Thanks.
Guy: Oh yeah, my name's Gary by the way.
Me: I'm Kaylyn.
Guy/Gary: Oh wow. That's a beautiful name. Wow. I mean, my name, it's just Gary. But Kaylyn, wow. That's nice.
Me: Thanks.
Guy/Gary: So, have you ever been to the circus?
Me: No.
Guy/Gary: Oh, man, well how 'bout this? The next time the circus is in town, and if I ever see you again, I will take you to the circus. It will be great. I mean, who knows if I'll run into you again, but if I do, and the circus is in town, we'll go together.
Me: Sure.
Guy/Gary: Oh, here's my bus. Well, you have a blessed day.
Me: Bye.

matthew 6:19-34

2010-04-11T21:15:00.000-04:00

My biggest fear is a fire,
Reducing to ashes all that I have
And leaving behind broken pieces of my life.
Everything is destroyed, there is no more noise,
For all the space is now void.
So I have a plan for rescuing all that I can.
Strategically placed for the optimum race
I can save what I’ve made,
All the memories I’ve preserved to ensure I won’t forget
The places I’ve been.
But these treasures I’ve stored
With all the care of this world
Will be no more
When the moths and rust destroy.
They’re certain to come and delight in the sight
Of irreparable ruin, of destruction you can’t undo
And what is left will be victim to theft,
Digging through the mess to find something to salvage.
My heart is lost in the debris
My eyes cannot see with this darkness within of me
I can’t seem to find a time where my mind wasn’t aligned with
Serving a master of money
Who still leaves me hungry
Among all the luxury
Surrounded by what I don’t need
And I still worry about what I will eat.
But you say, “Do not worry
I am your glory
And that gives you authority
To trust in my provision”
I want to listen, to hear your mission
For a vision of a kingdom
Where heaven gives a protection
Of all that I’ve stored.
Nothing can be stolen or broken
My eyes fill with light overcoming the
Endless nights of trying to fight the enemy
But your plan for me is to
Be clothed in splendor
Receive love from our neighbors
Have faith in our savior
Who provides more than our needs are
And reveals where our hearts are.
They lie among the earth
Feeling like they have no worth
So we must quench our thirst
Through a material world
But I need to seek the kingdom and righteousness
Feel the blessings of your love for us
Know that our faith is enough.

but now it is hidden from your eyes

2010-03-31T13:30:00.004-04:00

"Her mother told her once that when you feel someone else's pain and joy as powerfully as if it were your own, then you knew you really loved them."

Sunday in church, Pastor Thurmann directed us to a quote from a book of which I forget the title. It says, "To be effective in urban ministry, you must have a heart as big as the city itself."

In reference to Luke 19 (v41-42: As he approached Jerusalem and saw the city, he wept over it and said, "If you, even you, had only known on this day what would bring you peace—but now it is hidden from your eyes."), PT was referring to how we must weep for the places to which we are ministering. If I am not allowing my heart to break, then maybe I shouldn't be there.

So how am I letting my heart break for UMBC? How am I allowing myself to feel the pain of college students, as well as the joy?

Jesus entered those places of pain with humility and love. He knows exactly what would bring people peace (him!), and when he saw that they weren't getting it - he wept. He wept because he loved these people so much - so much so that it hurt his heart to see them turn away. How is my heart hurting when students turn away from Jesus? And what am I going to do about it? If I really love this campus and these students - I must actively participate in their pain, as much as I do their joy.

you came to my rescue

2010-03-10T22:24:00.002-05:00

I don’t know how it always happens to me

But you see – I get myself in these situations where

Cancellations seem to be the only solution.

I mean – I don’t want to give up
I’ve been called to live up to this imitation

But that doesn’t always work out, you see

For me, it’s all about self-salvation, self-preservation,

Self-do-it-myself-or-be-subject-to-damnation.

But you see – that’s not the call that was set out for me.

And when I don’t answer that call,

Well you can guess what happens.

I trip, I stumble, I ultimately fall.

Which actually isn’t that big of a surprise in the eyes of those who know me

But regardless of my balance, my inability to fast dance,

Maybe my strength isn’t all I thought it was

So this is what ends up happening.

You call. I ignore you and fall.

I fall. I can’t answer your call.

I call. You…answer.

Huh.

So you answer me when I’m kneeling

I’m in just the right position for healing

I’m ready to start feeling again

Your hands reach down to pull me up

I can’t tell you how excited I am to be filled up

I’ve been waiting a long time for this rescue

My life is being lifted high but

You’re not just lifting part of me

It’s all of me, every hidden pocket of me, all laid out for you to see

You see my words, my actions, reversals, and re-actions

My sin and victory and every part of my history

My wickedness, avarice, endless list of times I never tried

You see how I’m envious of what I don’t have

How I’m upset at all I should have said

Regretting those I never led.

You know when I’ve stolen petty sense,

Been prideful of compliments

Murdered all I’ve been

I walk blind, bleed lies,

Need a second try of being a living imitation

But You still lead me teach me reach inside of me

To rescue the lowest parts of me

My world is being lifted high,

Letting fall all that I need to let die

It’s losing my life to gain a new life

A new life without the bitterness,

Corrupt malicious wishes of the evil

No anger, greed, constant need to be the one I don’t want to be

I have this great grasp on my past

That needs to be released so I can be released

So I can form a new grasp, one that will eternally last

I am not of this body, this ground, this world

It’s all about the letting go, letting that life blow away,

Releasing that burden to bow down at your throne

This – this is our love being lifted high

Complete trust in this gracious grasp of a lasting promise

Both of us holding on, working on making it work

I don’t really know when you will affirm me,

But I have learned the pain of waiting becomes embracing your will

But to be completely honest with you

You see, it might only be a matter of weeks

Even days before I begin to descend again

I would be scared to fail, but

I know when I call for you, need to fall on you,

You will come to my rescue

And save me again

Help me ascend

Transform me for when I rise with my hands in yours

I rise with my hands in yours

My life in yours

My world in yours

Our love is ours

I am “I will be with you”

I am eternally rescued.

i used to call her beatrice.

2010-02-27T22:25:00.004-05:00

Mandy: If evil could possess an inanimate object, I think they picked your car.

I really really think my car is cursed. Let's have a look back in time over the past year...

April 2009 - I get my first ever speeding ticket.
April 2009 - Window is smashed and GPS gets stolen out of my car during church.
June 2009 - Minor accident at a stoplight, a van breaks my bumper.
July 2009 - Car window smashed and doorframe broken my first day parked at my new house.
July 2009 (same week) - I get a $77 parking ticket for not having my pass in my car because I was afraid it would get stolen. Left a note with my number, was promptly ignored by ticket-giver.
July 2009 (still the same week) - Not my car, but my best friend's car gets stolen. She was visiting for a few days. Car is recovered and is turned on using a screwdriver.
August 2009 - Car is attempted to be stolen, doorframe broken and ignition ripped out.
August 2009 - I buy a club for my car. Things calm down a little.
January 2010 - Someone throws a rock at my headlight, smashing both the cover and the bulb.
February 2010 - Potentially could get charged with a hit and run because I bumped a car in a parking lot and someone else decided to report me. Had to file a report with UMBC Police.
February 2010 - The replacement bulb is out again. I suspect foul play from the massive amounts of snow that piled onto my car for many many days. Perhaps I now need to replace both the bulb and the cover.

I really want to love my car. I really do. But I also really really want to be able to not have to pray so fervently every time I walk towards it, thinking about what might be wrong with it this time. I want to not have to mentally prepare myself to see a classic "Dodge Pullback" as I approach my car.

But I have certainly learned about trials through my car. I have certainly learned about feeling "pure joy" when I face these trials, knowing "the testing of my faith develops perseverance." (James 1:2) These trials "have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." (I Peter 1:7)

But I'm just so tired of being tested. I want to not feel guilty about being upset. I want to not have to worry about leaving anything in my car for fear that it will be broken into again. I want to not be scared about inviting people over because their cars might get stolen. I want to be angry and scream and possibly kick something.

I guess that's why we all need a good ass-kicking from Scripture.

home is so many wonderful things

2010-02-15T22:48:00.007-05:00

There are so many reasons I love coming home. I used to really hate it, when I was hiding a lot of stuff from my family. I used to feel the need to escape this boring, quiet, no excitement town. I used to think that this place had nothing to offer me, not even an effective springboard into somewhere new. But I like that perspectives change. I like that home has changed for me in a very positive way.

Home now, is coming into a houseful of pets ready to slobber on me and cover my clothes in dog fur. Home is going to the Amish discount grocery store to save lots and lots of money by buying food in slightly damaged boxes. It's setting up my stepdad's TracFone because he has absolutely no idea what he's doing, and then watching him spend 2 hours importing 20 contacts into his new phone because he wants to learn how to do it himself. It's getting the most delicious homemade sub ever for dinner. Setting up camp on the recliner for the evening with Mom, watching "The Bachelor" and HGTV (tonight - "House Hunters"). It is not having to put my club on my car, or even lock the doors.

And it's looking forward to all that is to come in the next few days I will be home, which will be spent with my dad for his birthday. I'm sure it will consist of going to the mall, going to Sam's Club to eat all of the free samples, playing Beatles Rock Band, going to the Moose lodge for dinner (where he is a new member), and browing through tons of coupons.

And sadly, as I have now come to love these feelings, I also have to let some of them go. My mom and stepdad have decided they are moving to Florida in the coming months after my mom retires in March. The house is pretty much sold (a retired couple is making an offer tomorrow), and my mom is already researching heavily on Craigslist for places to buy.

I'm excited for my mom, though. She has wanted this for a long time. She hates the cold. She wants to be warm all the time, drive to the beach, and lay in the sun. She is taking a risk even I am too scared to take, in moving to a completely new place where she has to start relationship building all over again. (As much as I love Baltimore as a city, I believe the real reason I stayed is Baltimore as people.)

I think the weirdest thing for me will be not being able to see all of my family at once, anymore. My aunt and grandma live 2 minutes apart from each other, and 10 minutes from my mom's house. My dad is only 40 minutes up the highway. When I come home, I usually see everyone. But that won't be the case anymore. I will have to split my time. I will have to divide holidays even further between all the sides of my family.

But I suppose I'm still lucky. Mom will have cable in the new house; we can certainly still watch "House Hunters" when I visit, maybe as we relax after a trip to the beach. The dogs will still be around to bark at me when I open the door, thinking I'm a stranger. I'm sure at some point, I will have to install some kind of internet or fix some electronic device at the new house. It's certainly cliche and true to say that home is a people and a feeling, not a place. Jesus himself even said he didn't have a physical home.

I'm still shifting my ideas of home from "with my parents" to Baltimore. I think once my mom leaves Pennsylvania, it will be much easier for me to see Baltimore as home.

Although, I'm pretty sure I'll still get that fuzzy, cuddly, contented, home feeling sitting in a recliner in Florida, watching HGTV with my mom while those smelly, silly dogs drool all over me.

i'm a great sinner and christ's a great savior

2010-02-12T23:47:00.002-05:00

William Wilburforce: It's God. I have 10,000 engagements of state today but I would prefer to spend the day out here getting a wet arse, studying dandelions and marveling at... bloody spider's webs.
Richard the Butler: You found God, sir?
William Wilburforce: I think He found me. You have any idea how inconvenient that is? How idiotic it will sound? I have a political career glittering ahead of me, and in my heart I want spider's webs.

William Pitt: We're too young to realize certain things are impossible, which is why we'll do them anyway.

i've decided to start a blog

2010-02-07T21:35:00.000-05:00

to share all of my awesomely deep and important thoughts with whoever wants to read them.

An introduction:

I am...
Kaylyn
22 years old
an ENFJ who fully believes in the power of Myers-Briggs
a part-time campus intern with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship
a part-time bank teller at Bank of America
a resident of Baltimore
a lover and follower of Jesus
a graduate of Goucher College
from a small town in the center of PA
a daughter, sister, and aunt
adopted
really excited for my life
currently watching the Saints win the Super Bowl
not excited about figuring out how I am getting to work tomorrow with all the snow
too tired to finish any more "I am" statements.

My favorite:
movie is Almost Famous, followed by That Thing You Do! and Back to the Future.
book (non-Jesus) is The Little Prince.
Bible verse is Exodus 14:14.
song is Desperado by the Eagles.
game is Topanga.
sport to participate in is skiing.
sport to watch is football (in person) and college basketball (on tv).
tv channel is HGTV.

I strongly dislike:
watching the bus drive away as I run towards it flailing my arms.
bank customers who ask me on dates.
mushrooms and coconut.
people who break into my car/break my windshield/break my headlight.
bad customer service.
not knowing how to effectively use my new camera.
burned/burning popcorn.
hypocritical hipsters.
surface social justice movements.
current Disney channel shows.
bad Christian radio.
my bad habit of biting my nails.
Vanessa Hudgens.

Best feelings in the world:
waking up without an alarm and snuggling under covers.
skiing down a huge mountain and feeling totally in control.
holding my nephew, Coleman.
praying and getting awesome visions from God.
worshipping and feeling totally connected to the Holy Spirit.
reading Scripture and always finding something new.
hot tubs in the winter.
being able to effectively love people.
spending lazy days with my roommates.
the feeling after finishing a spoken word.

Is that enough about me?